Tiki Wants the NFL and His Life Back
The NFL media, blogosphere, and rabid fan base turned away from the carnage of the lockout and the overblown headlines of draft preparation season to discuss the latest in so-called “drama”… and as usual, the whirlwind proved little more than a puddle and the drama proved little more than chuckle.
Tiki Barber, former running back with the New York Giants, former analyst for NBC’s NFL cover team, former Today Show token, and former all-around-celebrity-in-the-making, has filed paperwork with the league office to end his retirement and offer his services to any NFL team in need of help at his position.
Tiki Barber has alerted the NFL that he plans to come out of retirement and play in the 2011 season, sources close to the former New York Giants running back said Tuesday.
The agency that represents Barber confirmed the news on its Twitter account.
The Giants acknowledged on Tuesday that Barber has asked to be taken off the reserve-retirement list and that they will release him once the league allows it. Teams cannot make roster moves during the current extension of the CBA talks.
The 35-year-old back, who turns 36 in April, retired in 2007. He played 10 seasons, all for the Giants, finishing his career as the franchise’s all-time leading rusher.
From there Tiki felt it best to launch into a career of television stardom and counseling the youth of all ages in pointing their futures towards success and triumph.
First, Tiki blessed the masses with wisdom for the cast and young fans of Sesame Street…
Tiki also brought his sage wisdom via this AP Video encouraging kids to stay involved and positive…
Tiki also offered advice for incoming NFL Rookies…
As you might have guessed (this is a professional athlete), Tiki was and remains totally full of shit. Wertheim takes off into an abbreviated recount of Barber’s escapades since choosing retirement from the NFL and the pursuit of fame via non-violent mediums… but he fails to meet our needs.
Here are the Gunaxin bullet points on Tiki’s resume since retiring in 2007…
- After an 8-8 season with Barber in the backfield (a season including seven losses in the final nine games for the Giants, including a heartbreaking fall to the division-rival Philadelphia Eagles in the Wild Card round of the playoffs), the rusher moved his ass out the door and left a few choice comments in his wake, questioning quarterback Eli Manning’s ability to lead and perform as well as coach Tom Coughlin’s capacity to mentor and motivate. The following season the Giants improved to 10-6, using Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward to replace Barber and finish with seven wins over their final nine games… ironically (not really), the exact opposite return of the season prior. The Giants went on to win the Super Bowl.
- Barber moved on to a job as an analyst/commentator for NBC, joining two of the network’s franchise staples, The Today Show and Football Night in America. After two years on the job (give or take), Barber reportedly abandoned his wife of 11 years for 23-year-old Traci Johnson, a former NBC intern turned home wrecker (allegedly). Shortly after NBC pushed Barber out, citing his infraction of a contractual morals clause, terminating him from a job that, per Wertheim, paid more than $300k per year.
- Two months later the New York Post reported Barber was quickly going broke and could no longer meet the financial terms of the divorce settlement he was so happy to accept.
- A few weeks later Barber’s ex-wife gave birth to twins, banning Tiki from the delivery room and using the arrival of local press to put forth a spokesman charged with painting Tiki as the world’s biggest asshole…
… and for what it’s worth, no one has come forth before or since to deny it as truth.
In fact, more than a few have come forth to collaborate on the tales of assholery.
New York fans let you know their thoughts on Tiki during his induction into the Giants’ Ring of Fame…
Tiki Barber, the leader, the person in that locker room? He is not going to do anything for your team… Now if that is the guy you think you are bringing in, you might want to look in another direction… He didn’t do anything to help the Giants in 2006 when he decided to retire in the middle of the season and then months later question our quarterback and our head coach.
From our point of view… we appreciate the first form of entertainment Tiki has put forth since providing his “insights” on Peyton’s brother. He’s been struggling to get his career in showbiz started since leaving the gridiron for the studio and it’s safe to say, by any measure or source of evaluation, he has failed. His latest attempt to tuck tail and get his checkbook back in order has provided us with a full 24 hours of laughs, easily ranking as his best work since 2005.
You can’t take that away from him… and it sure beats another day of doom and gloom.
Thanks for stopping in.