Ten Sports White People Excel In
White people aren’t exactly known for speed and athleticism. Until competitive Ponzi schemes and insider trading make it to the Olympics, we’re going to have to settle for second (or last) place in many mainstream sports. But here are ten sports whitey does excel in:
Tights. Check. Dressing up like a fictional storybook character. Check. Role-playing. Check. No athleticism whatsoever. Check. This sport was made for white people!
Yee-haw! When it comes to shooting things, nobody does it better than “Amer-cuh.” The combination of canned Budweiser laced with homemade methamphetamines is a proven winning recipe for sharp-shooters all across the south.
The best part about bowling is that it doesn’t matter who wins. Bowling is man’s best weeknight excuse for escaping the oversized wife. Chances are if you’re married, league night is the only night of the week you look forward to. That precious Wednesday night would otherwise, God forbid, have to be spent at home with the wife and kids. Replacing annoying honey-do chores, and dodging the terrifying threat of having to potentially have sex with the monster that barely resembles the woman you married, for a night of bowling, is a gift from the heavens. It’s no wonder, a night out at the alley crushing beers with Ezekial, Randy and Cooter makes bowling a favorite American pastime.
Golf takes an exceptional amount of hand-eye coordination, concentration, practice, and patience. What it doesn’t take is athleticism, so white people have remained atop the golf food chain since its inception.
This is a sport made by white people for white people. No self-respecting black man is getting anywhere near this event. A stadium full of drunk rednecks intensely waiting to witness a 50-car pileup is just a bizarre and foreign concept. Black guys invest too much love and money in their cars to even begin to understand NASCAR. Besides, 26-inch rims don’t structurally hold up going around corners at 200 mph. The only time you’re going to see a black man racing is if there is a bag of loot and a police pursuit involved.
You’re not going to find any Latinos racing in any NASCAR events either.
The kilo’s of cocaine stuffed in the wheel-well really hinders the car’s ability to glide smoothly around corners. Plus, the extra weight of the hostage in the trunk weighs down the car, creating a severe competitive disadvantage.
6. Beer Chugging
What better way for an adolescent male to display his machismo and impress a potentially willing female than beer chugging? Nothing gets a girl hotter than beer breath. If you follow it up with a 3am tattoo that everyone is warning you against, you’re certain to attain that imperative “bad boy” status. If you make it home without getting a DUI, she’s sure to be putty in your hands.
Swimming takes tremendous amounts of training, committment and athleticism. There’s nothing gay about swimming. Except for the Speedos, those are really gay. And the full-body shaving. And the Chippendale’s bodies. And the shrinkage that’s constantly on display. Alright swimming is really gay, which explains why white people are the best at it.
It’s important to enjoy life to its fullest. Chances are, if you own a yacht and you’re into boating, you’ve already learned how to do this. You never know when the day is going to come when you’re going to kick the bucket, or when the Feds are going to kick down the door and send you to prison for the next 25 years. If you own a yacht, you’re either a Russian Czar, a Saudi Prince, or doing something illegal. So spend as much time as you can now with your model girlfriend on your private island, because Bubba is eagerly waiting.
9. Extreme Sports
If it involves innovation, inclement weather, and a short lifespan, it also involves white people. Why live a full life if you don’t live life to its fullest? I suppose that’s the rationale. All I know is, every year there are new extreme sports being created that take danger to the next level. Any sport that involves life-ending risk, I’m a fan of.
10. Ice Hockey
Fighting. Blood. Violence. All the criteria needed for the makings of a great sport. Even if your team finishes in last place, but your goon routinely beats the crap out of the opponent’s goon, hockey fans feel a great sense of pride. Hockey takes strength, endurance, skill and toughness. It’s an exciting sport played by warriors, and is the pinnacle of white people athletics.