The NFL Coaching Stache-Off

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Guys, if you are looking for a job, here is a secret. Grow a mustache. Do not grow a beard. Grow a full mustache. Statistically, your chances of not only getting but also keeping a job depends on it. You actually will get promoted easier if you are sporting the stache. It also tends to help if you are over six feet tall and exude a good level of testosterone. In the coming days and possibly weeks ahead, NFL Teams will have a choice which has not vexed the American public since Taft/Roosevelt.

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Need a head coach? Andy Reid and Mike Holmgren are both now willing to take your calls. Holmgren and Reid both have division as well as conference championships. Both men have been to a Super Bowl. Holmgren was at a Super Bowl more recently and has a win. Reid has more recently coached in the NFL. The truly troubling part about deciding which man should lead your football team is that both of them sport such beautiful full upper lip coiffes of masculinity that it’s just too hard to choose. Ideally, you could probably weigh the two men to see if you were more interested in a Sherman or Panzer.

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You will note that Holmgren’s current stache is a little thinner than his “as long as Brett can stand, he can throw” prime. Also, Holmgren’s Santa whiskers are starting to give away his age. There is stateliness to the stache, but there is also a hint of diminishing masculinity. Still, Holmgren has a Super Bowl win and somehow managed to take Seattle to the Big Game.

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Note the majesty of Reid’s mustache even in light of his last game as coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. His stache still maintains its original color and is thicker than Holmgren’s. It says, “Hey, I am a man who can grow layers of hair.” Also, note the downward curvature. That says to us that there is more than enough testicular man juice in the jewel sack to go ahead and grow excess stache. At this point in their careers, General Managers are going to go for thick, golden and growing, over white, thinning and shaveable. So, where do they end up?

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Reid wins the stache-off. This means that Reid will get the best job available. The best job available is the Chicago Bears. Reid already looks like he is a beer- swilling brat-eating Bill Swerski Superfan. He will remind Chicago fans of no one less than Mike Ditka, and he also hasn’t been the head coach of the hated Green Bay Packers. Yes, it matters. To the stache goes the spoils.

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If Holmgren is serious about coming back to the sidelines, he might want to go ahead and call the Arizona Cardinals. His stache says comfort and a grandfatherly calm. This is ideal for a community that quite frankly excels in its number of retired persons. If Holmgren is going to take his career into the sunset, then ideally the stache should shave in Arizona. It’s just a theory, but we will see how it all plays out.

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