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Monday M-Ass ~ June 14

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Rachel Uchitel 2

The Pioneer

The time has come, the Walrus said, to think of many things… actually, many will only be thinking about soccer.

In this week’s edition of Monday M-Ass (because in one way or another, we all worship) we carry our travels through this week’s sports television schedule with a little inspiration not from the World Cup (it will be around for a month or so, no need to dedicate ALL of our visual chasers to the people’s game) bu instead from the world of golf. This week welcomes the US Open Golf Championship, my favorite golf tourney of the season, this season coming to us from the beautiful links of Pebble Beach. In honor of the event we are dedicating this week’s theme to the alleged mistresses of Tiger Woods, starting with the queen of them all, Rachel Uchitel (pictured above). She got the Tiger gang bang going and thus she gets to ride shotgun with us through our travels across the televised sports landscape this week.

So let’s get it going with a quick reminder of what was lost.

Elin Nordegren

The Ball 'n Chain... er, The Ex

Enjoy.

(BTW, all times are MDT… screw you and the east-coast bias. Adjust your ass to me.)

Monday June 14
1:00AM ESPNU
NCAA Baseball Super Regionals – Virginia vs Oklahoma
The first of few breaks from the world of futbol and you need to get up at the buttcrack of the day to take it in. The game pitting the gem of ACC baseball against the powerhouse Sooners of the Big 12 will actually pit the SEC against the Pac-10 by the time this game rolls in anyway… it only reminds of the pending deconstruction of collegiate conferences and the histories they have built. Add the ping of the deathray bats and this whole exercise feels like a suicide launch pad. Nevermind.

5:00AM ESPN3.com
2010 FIFA World Cup – Netherlands vs. Denmark
This telecast will come to you in Arabic if you choose to absorb the game via the Worldwide Leader’s online channel. Arabic is such a romantic language. For instance…

.كرة القدم هي الطريق الى الحرية الصالحين ، والسماح للأطفال الله لخداع الكفار في هدوء قبل أن ذبحوا وشرب دمائهم من أجل المتعة

Doesn’t that look AWESOME?!?! Who doesn’t want to watch soccer in THAT language?!?!

(Translation: Soccer is the path to righteous freedom, allowing Allah’s children to fool the infidels into calm before we slit their throats and drink their blood for pleasure.)

7:30AM ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Japan vs. Cameroon
I will warn you now… I don’t have it in me to stop and comment on every one of the 1,486 World Cup games being played this week. I’m not a huge fan of the game but I am also not part of the hate club working against soccer. I enjoy the zuzuvelas (that humming noise you hear continually through all of these matches) as it reminds the locusts will be one of the first signs of the apocalypse. The second sign: soccer vaulting to the top of the American conscience. Still, while it is entertaining I simply don’t have the bowel movements needed to read up on ALL of the teams in the World Cup mix… so we’ll rely on racial stereotypes and backhanded insults to get us through most, starting now.

Asking the Japanese to excel in athletics is akin to asking the Cameroon team to do my dry cleaning… stick to what you do best.

12:00PM ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Italy vs. Paraguay
Fact: Paraguay is the home of the “Biggest Barbecue in the World” according to the Guinness Book of World Records.

Fact: Paraguay’s best player, Salvador Cabanas, is recovering from a near-death experience after he was shot in the head in the bathroom of club in Mexico City.

Fact: They open the World Cup by playing the defending champs.

Well… at least they know how to party.

5:00PM ESPN
Monday Night Baseball – Seattle Mariners vs. St. Louis Cardinals
Interleague play descends on baseball as the worst team in the American League gets set for the national spotlight against one of the National League’s best in a game that means absolutely nothing. The MLB… it’s FAAAAANNNNNTASTIC!

Julie Postle

Julie Postle

Tuesday June 15
12:05AM NBC
Poker After Dark
For the degenerate gamblers and fellow fans of Leeann Tweeden (though I’m still upset they couldn’t work things out with Shana Hiatt)… enjoy.

1:00AM ESPNU
NCAA Baseball Super Regionals – TCU vs. Texas
No one does baseball like the boys in Texas. Baseball and the death penalty… again, stick to what you do best. It’s a running theme.

5:15AM ESPN Deportes
Copa Do Mundo FIFA de 2010 – Nova Zelandia vs. Eslovaquia
If you prefer to watch New Zealand vs. Slovakia in soccer’s native tongue… which I thought was Arabic but today it appears to be Spanish… have at it. Lord knows the hispanic community is overflowing with fans of Slovakian soccer.

7:30AM Univision
Copa Mundail: Costa de Marfil vs. Portugal
You are not stuck watching the World Cup on the Worldwide Leader, for if you prefer to venture away from the corporate teet, you can watch soccer the way it was meant to be watched… in spanish (btw, “Costa de Marfil” is apparently spanish for “Ivory Coast” while “Portugal” is spanish for “Portugal”). I’m going to tune in just for the studio show where I assume we will be educated on soccer by some fat Mexican slob who hasn’t bathed in a week, a midget wrestler, and several hot mexican chics with tremendous bouncing tits.

10:00AM Speed Channel
Formula One Racing: Canadian Grand Prix
I’m told some of you enjoy racing, so here ya’ go… folks that make both right and left turns. Fascinating.

12:00PM ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Brazil vs. Korea Dpr
I had to look up what “Dpr” stands for… Democratic People’s Republic. In other words, it’s North Korea. If you are still lost… it’s the Korea with Kim Jong-il, the “Supreme Leader” who has ruled the land during severe depression, devastating floods, industrial ruin, and a terrorist approach to foreign relations.

He’s also the star of “Team America” and immensely funny.

The people of Brazil like orgies… that’s the extent of my knowledge there and I would prefer to keep it that way.

2:00PM ESPN Classic
2000 US Open Official Film
Tiger time… this was the last time the US Open was held at Pebble Beach and Tiger slaughtered the field. He finished at 12 strokes under par. Second place was a tie between Ernie Els and Miguel Angel Jimenez… they finished at +3 (fifteen strokes off the Great One, the largest margin of victory ever in a major golf championship).

3:30PM Versus
Sports Soup
Just wanted to throw this out there as it is a rather entertaining show if you need something to fill the time. Granted, it’s not Joel McHale… but still…

3:30PM NFL Network
Sound FX: 2009 Week 4
These are some of the most underrated specials you can find as a fan of televised football. The Network mics up a group of players each week and that footage gets put to use here as they collect all of the offerings suitable for television from the week and toss ’em all together for these Sound FX shows. If you are lucky enough to get the right players, it can be as entertaining as anything you’ll watch this side of Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami.

7:00PM ABC
NBA Finals Game 6 – Boston Celtics vs. Los Angeles Lakers
Just watched the Celtics wrap Game 5 and think it’s fair to say the NBA world is harboring one of two emotions. Either they are shocked to see the AARP crew of this year’s playoffs in position to give Doc Rivers his second title (and a probable ticket to retirement… get out while the gettin’s good, Doc) or they are wondering what in the hell has happened to their game. I can relate to both.

9:00PM Syfy
WWE NXT
I have no clue what in the hell this is or why it is on the Syfy channel but that fact alone forces us to list it here. It’s on the TV Guide as a sports program… I assume it will be superstars of professional wrestling testing golf ball technology in outer space.

Wednesday June 16
12:00AM ESPN2

Lucas Oil Deep Clean NHRA Supernationals
Drag racing comes to New Jersey… they were meant for one another.

2:45AM ESPN3.com
Micromax Asia Cup – Bangladesh vs India
As I type this I am guessing this is cricket and thus I am intrigued. I am told cricket is one of the most popular gambling sports in the world and thus I am left with no choice but to be excited. Let’s throw it into Google and see… it is cricket! FUCK YEAH! The Finals are on the 24th so we’ll be inking that to the DVR schedule… wait… ESPN3.com? Shit.

5:00AM ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Honduras vs. Chile
I don’t know why, it is probably not fair or true, but of all of the World Cup matches I’ve seen on the schedule this week, this one seems the most likely to produce unmitigated violence and mayhem… which is what we are all praying for, right? THAT is why we are sitting through hours and hours of this… we are waiting for the arena-sized riot and massacre that follows?

7:30AM ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Spain vs. Switzerland
Based on historical lessons and knowledge, where would you guess 99% of the action is going on this one?

12:00PM ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – South Africa vs. Uruguay
The host without the most takes on the bunghole of Brazil, and yes, it is available in Arabic on ESPN3.com. Joy.

2:30PM ESPNU
2010 SEC Men’s & Women’s Outdoor Track & Field Championships
I hear Oregon and the Pac-10 own the elite Track & Field programs in the country. I know Florida, ‘Bama, Ole Miss, and other SEC schools own the elite co-ed programs in the country (especially Ole Miss where the ass is plump like a peach fresh off the summer tree). You have to have priorities.

5:00PM ESPN
Wednesday Night Baseball – Philadelphia Phillies vs. New York Yankees
It’s the east-coast bandwagon’s wet dream.

6:00PM Spike
Ultimate Fighter: Team Liddell vs. Team Ortiz
Having watched UFC 793 last weekend I assume this show is about one team of over-the-hill washouts that continually gets knocked the fuck out versus a team that enjoys beating on their porn-star wives.

7:00PM Speed Channel
Pinks: All Out
I don’t want to know what this is… the title alone has made me so happy… I prefer to stick with my own interpretation of the show than accept reality, and I presume it’s produced by Larry Flint.

8:00PM ESPN
30 for 30: June 17th, 1994
This should be another stellar doc installment from one of the few things the Worldwide Leader has done right in the name of self gratification. Focused on the day Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman were found brutally murdered and the eventual parade of OJ Simpson, Al Cowlings, and the white Bronco down the San Diego Freeway, this has the potential to be one of the more moving pieces in the series as so many of us will remember that day and that telecast from CNN. Check it out, I am fairly certain you will enjoy.

10:00PM Versus
Sports Jobs with Junior Seau
WTF?

Holly Sampson 560x379

Holly Sampson


Thursday June 17
5:00AM Versus

Huntin’ with the Judge
(Hoping this isn’t filmed in Arizona.)

5:15AM ESPN Deportes
Copa Do Mundo FIFA de 2010 – Argentina vs. CoreIA Do Sul (Korea Republic)
More than anything I wanted to point out the Deportes’ version of the Korea Republic. In Google Translator it actually becomes “Korea Su” which means it will become the most widely praised defensive tackle in the land and will eventually be considered by the St. Louis Rams who own the first pick in the NFL Draft, though they will pass in favor of Oklahoma quarterback Sam Bradford. For what it is worth, one of the few things I know about the World Cup… Argentina is one of the favorites to win. I assume it is because the cocaine from Korea sucks.

7:30AM ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Greece vs. Nigeria
Go Nigeria… I would never cheer for anyone that ruins a perfectly good meal by throwing it up and eating it again.

11:00AM ESPN
US Open Golf Championship – Part I
The first round of the second major of the PGA season begins, which probably means the first of two days of eight-hour blocks of coverage dedicated to the obvious question we can no longer ignore… “Should Tiger go back to swingin’ his dick around the IHOPs of the nation to get his golf game back?”

12:00PM ESPN2
2010 FIFA World Cup – France vs. Mexico
One country that adores soccer and a good day of hard work, another country that adores telling every other country how shitty they are even though they are lucky not to be speaking German. Guess who I’m cheering for?

2:30PM ESPN Classic
Jim Rome Classics: Andre
So many questions… Andre who? Andre the Giant? Andre the methhead? Andre Dawson? Andre 3000? And if you are REALLY doing a “classic” edition of Jimmy Rome, there is only one show you need to bring to the table… so why doesn’t it say, “Jim Rome Classic: Jim Everett”?

3:00PM ESPN
US Open Golf Championship – Part II
I just want to point out that ESPN decided to interrupt the US Open broadcast to bring you two hours of SportsCenter… right in the middle of the day, when the kings of the golf world are just starting to tee off in the early afternoon on the west coast. Makes total sense, can’t imagine a better time to get the overplayed Neil Everett cliche thrown my way for two straight hours.

5:00PM Spike
UFC Unleashed
I don’t want my UFC any other way (though on Spike, for free, I doubt it will be).

6:30PM ESPNU
NCAA Women’s Championship – Oklahoma vs. Stanford
Chics with sticks… softball may be the most underappreciated source of female sports entertainment out there. Trust me. The WNBA may have Candice Parker, but EVERY college softball team has at least three or four Candice Parker-level talents. (Is there a professional league for women’s softball or are the Olympics serving as the only stage beyond college? There should be…)

7:00PM ABC
NBA Finals Game 7 – Boston Celtics vs. Los Angeles Lakers
I have a feeling you’ll be sitting down with the popcorn for this one, and we’ll finally get a game worth watching from the NBA Finals.

7:00PM NFL Network
Top 10 Quarterback Controversies
I’ll tell you right fuckin’ now, if Erik Kramer versus Dave Krieg isn’t on this list… hello? Kramer v. Krieg? 1996? Nevermind.

9:35PM Telemundo
Titulares y Mas
Titulares y Mas = Headlines and More… based on the Telemundo translation of the game show, the talk show, and the morning show, there is no way in hell the wife is keeping me from adding this as a Season Pass (and yes, it’s a sports show).

Jamie Jungers

Jamie Jungers

Friday June 18
3:30AM ESPN3.com
Australian Rules Football – Hawthorn vs. Essendon
You need to make sure you know this is available if you are up at this hour of the day (5:30AM on the right coast is a possibility). The crowds, the penguin-like officials dressed like extras in Mad Men, the violence… if you follow the NFL I don’t see how you don’t enjoy this, and if you love soccer I REALLY don’t see it.

5:00AM ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Germany vs. Serbia
Hey look, more soccer… it’s the same schedule every day for about a month, folks. From what I hear these teams might get along better than I want to believe. Historically speaking the entire block of what was once Russia could be questioned as, well… nevermind. I’m going off the conjecture of a co-worker from Lithuania and he may be steering my ass wrong to get a laugh. Whatever. Here’s a ball, don’t use your hands. Have at it.

7:30AM ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Slovenia vs. United States
The US gets back at it with hopes of getting a win after posting a tie versus England (a reasonable end as most would list England as a favorite to take the group… listen, that’s what I’ve been told and at this point I’m going with anyone with an accent and what they tell me about soccer). Sure seems like that goal by the good ol’ US of A was pretty damn cheap… bounced right off the goalie and he muffed it. Can’t really deny that. Lose that game and we are right back to “soccer sucks and the Americans will never figure it out.” Lose this one to Slovenia and you are clearly back at square one.

11:00AM ESPN
US Open Golf Championship – Part I
The day that may matter most for the bulk of the PGA field… you either make the weekend or you don’t, you are either in the mix or you are out. You can’t stage a huge comeback on this stage, but you can post a run to pull away as Tiger did in 2000. Anyone capable of winning in such manner will have established as much by the end of the day on Friday. If you can add golf to your viewing schedule, this is the place to do it (and once again, live coverage will be broken to provide two hours of SportsCenter… why, I have no idea).

12:15PM ESPN Deportes
Copa Do Mundo FIFA de 2010 – Inglaterra vs. Argelia
I love the fact Univision and Deportes do not agree on what to call the World Cup… this is England vs. Algeria. I also love the fact England is so much cooler in the Deportes translation for air. “Inglaterra” sounds like the home planet for WWE NXT on Syfy, doesn’t it? Anyway… should be a good match.

3:00PM ESPN
US Open Golf Championship – Part II
The coverage will probably return with the final groups either just teeing off on the 1st or out just two or three holes into play. If there is a hot hand in the mix, you’ll know the minute they come back from two hours of soccer updates… because, ya’ know, you haven’t gotten enough soccer.

5:00PM ESPNU
Collegiate Clay Shooting Championship
First, allow me to look up the hosting venue… btw, the top link is a story from the NRA… the damn thing won’t load. I think it’s either Ohio or Wisconsin, which makes sense. I was hoping for Texas so we could see some hard artillery, maybe some assault rifles. If you are going to make a competition of it, why not suit the masses and give us what we want?

5:30PM ESPNU
2010 College World Series – Fresno State vs. Georgia
I am starting to wonder if the temptation to list the collegiate world series is put forth knowing, subconsciously, there is a chance to see someone die. The ping of the bat, the crack of facial bones… I also enjoy supporting the WAC and would like to see Fresno State stick it up the Bulldogs’ ass.

10:00PM ESPN Classic
1988 AWA Wrestling
This was the BANNER year of wrestling during my youth… in 1988 I had the entire family watching Hulk Hogan versus Andre the Giant on the tube in primetime broadcast from NBC (go ask NBC to show wrestling now). I believe that match is the single-most watched event in the history of Vince McMahon’s reign over the “sport.” This may not be that telecast though… Kerry Von Erich is the most likely focus as the face of the AWA in those days (that’s right, I’m a nob). It’s the second must-see moment of this particular Friday… good day to convince the wife to cash it in early and grab a tall boy.

Jaimee Grubbs 560x950

Jamiee Grubbs

Saturday, June 19
3:30AM Spice Channel
12 Inches in Brea
Technically, it sounds like sport to me.

5:00AM ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Netherlands vs. Japan
Soccer…

7:30AM ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Ghana vs. Australia
More soccer (go Australia)…

12:00PM ABC
2010 FIFA World Cup – Cameroon vs. Denmark
… and even more soccer.

1:30PM ESPN2
Bucyrus 200 at Road America
The TV Guide says NASCAR Nationwide Series in Elkhart Lake, Wisconsin. The ESPN guide says the Bucyrus 200. I’m fairly certain I won’t care either way but if you do, you’ve been warned so you can bring the right spit can to the party.

2:30PM ABC
2010 FIFA World Cup – Live
This is all the guide says… no teams, no indication of what in the hell is really going on. I’ll say it’s Antarctica versus Mongolia. Whatever. It’s more soccer. Bring on the locusts.

2:30PM NBC
US Open Golf Championship – Round 3
Here’s to hoping Tiger is still in the mix for the sake of our economy, the Tour, and those of us dying to watch athletes that use their hands.

4:00PM ESPNU
ESPNU College Football Primetime – Tennessee vs. Kentucky
This is a rerun but it’s probably necessary at this point, at least for me. Plus it will remind of the good ol’ days when UT was run by Lane Kiffin and Kentucky wanted John Calipari to play quarterback.

5:00PM ESPN
2010 College World Series

7:00PM Game Show Network
Aussie Millions Poker
Please give us Shana Hiatt as the host… please dear lord give us Shana Hiatt… crossing fingers… SHIT.

11:00PM Speed Channel
Patron GT3 Challenge
No fuckin’ clue what’s going on here but if there are tequilla shots AND motorized vehicles, count us in. Any time you are teaming automobiles with liquor in a controlled environment, again… count us in.

Loredana Jolie

Loredana Jolie

Sunday June 20
1:00AM ESPN
US Open Golf Championship (NBC Re-Air)
Just in case you spent all of your time watching soccer and making up for lost masturbation time…

5:00AM ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Slovakia vs. Paraguay
Soccer….

7:30AM ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Italy vs. New Zealand
More soccer…

11:45AM Spike
UFC’s Ultimate Knockouts

This is the start of a marathon that won’t end until 7:00PM this evening with Ultimate Knockouts 8… and I thought you would want to know about that.

12:00PM ABC
2010 FIFA World Cup – Brazil vs. Ivory Coast
Show of hands… who can point out the Ivory Coast on a globe right now? I know it’s in Africa,  I know they ripped off the Irish for their national flag, and thanks to ESPN Deportes I know how to say Ivory Coast in spanish. I believe this is where Captain Sig likes to dock during storms in Deadliest Catch.

1:00PM NBC
US Open Golf Championship – Round 4
Let’s hope we aren’t destined for the return of Lucas Glover to the winner’s circle this time around.

4:00PM ESPNU
Spring Football: Auburn (followed by Alabama)
I like to serve up reminders that better days are ahead… Auburn isn’t trying to work out a deal to join the Pac-48 or the Big Ten Plus (nice move in adding Nebraska btw… the short-bus program of academics in the Big 12) and their pending season in the SEC could be as intriguing as any in the game’s best league. This is followed by the same presentation for Alabama… so everyone can be happy.

6:00PM ESPN
Sunday Night Baseball – Los Angeles Dodgers vs. Boston Red Sox
Is it football season yet? At least tell me we can spit on training camp from here…

10:00PM ESPN Classic
2004 WBA/IBF Heavyweight Title Bout – Evander Holyfield vs. Michael Moorer
Few remember Moorer and you won’t hear his name come around when folks talk about the best boxers of that era… but Moorer was a tough out and he gave the fans a show. If memory serves he hit the mat five freakin’ times in this bout before the trainers finally threw in the towel. Brutal watch, but if you are into boxing, that’s probably what you want.

Enjoy the week. Worship early and often.

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