MLB Hot Stove (and Wife) Quiz
While I’ve been spending my time testing the endurance of my liver and snorting the NFL like Johnny Depp in “Blow”, the folks in Major League Baseball have been spending money.
Shitloads of money…
… and if you haven’t focused on what used to be the National Pastime, you may have missed a few things.
Let’s see where you’re at. I’ve got a few questions for ya’ to determine just how knowledgeable you might be on the state of the MLB today. Nothing painful, just a quick pop quiz to see if you’ve had your head up your ass or if you’re ready for baseball.
Two quick warnings before we jump in:
1) I’m calling this a “Hot Stove” quiz in honor of the time of year… at least what I think this time of year is (the baseball geeks on Twitter keeping calling it the hot stove so I assume that’s where we are at… I have no idea when the hell it started or when in the hell it will end, and I don’t really give a shit because the NFL playoffs are set to begin and I can’t understand why this would be your diversion of choice… but for some of you it is, and I’ve got love for all ya’ll, ya’ heard?). In other words, this quiz doesn’t really have anything to do with the MLB Hot Stove… there are a couple of questions in there to keep it respectable but, in general, it’s not really a “hot stove quiz.”
And it’s not a hot stove quiz because…
2) I don’t really know shit about baseball. Not anymore. When I was a kid it was a passion, then the Yanks won it all without Don Mattingly (criminal) and Tony Gwynn retired (depressing) and Barry Bonds’ head swole up like a fuckin’ watermelon (criminal and depressing)… so I jumped off.
I am a casual fan, love getting drunk at games, love watching it and taking a nap on a Saturday afternoon, and that’s about the extent of it. So when the quiz takes a sharp turn into the actual headlines of the MLB Hot Stove, I’ll get some help.
It’ll make more sense when we get there, trust me.
Just know I’m not alone. And neither are you.
Here we go… let’s start with the obvious question that needs to be asked.
The answer is… Laura Cover, wife of Aaron Boone, Miss October 1998 for Playboy. She’s one of two playmates we’ll list from the ’98 series, and it would not be hard to argue it was one of the best (the Playmate of the Year was Heather Kozar who went on to cause trouble for Tim Couch and Cade McNown in the NFL… she’s done more but that’s the highlight for me).
Look up all of those girls… every single wife on that list is worthy of the effort. Laura is on another level.
It appears Manny may not find a home this season and that’s not right. He’s one of the most entertaining characters in a game that’s gone a little stale. The guy is a nut job and he rakes. I would bet his numbers have fallen over recent seasons and thus his act wears thin on these organizations, but trust me… he’s going to get a job. It may not be before the season starts, but he should be in a dugout for someone.
This is actually one of the more flattering pics I can find of Cliff and the misses… I’m sure she’s nice, and I’m sure she’s the reason he took a few million less to go back to the City of Battery Love. That rotation is going to be insane, and the push by these teams spending money this offseason (like Philly) has raised the bar.
I wasn’t sure on this one since so many moves of unsung significance take place without much fanfare. I had an idea, but I thought it best to seek help… so I called in my good friend Eno Sarris from RotoHardball.com to ask him for some rankings on this year’s hot-stove session.
It’s the Sawx in first. Adding both Crawford and Gonzo, that’s just amazing. I’ll give the Brewers the two spot, adding Zach Greinke and Shaun Marcum. Those two are head-and-shoulders. I kinda like the Orioles, getting Mark Reynolds, J.J. Hardy, Derrek Lee, and Koji Uehara. If the Cubs can wrap up Matt Garza and stick him with Carlos Pena, that gets Chicago on the list as well. The Rockies also made nice by keeping some of their younger guys.
Eno knows better than to get too technical with me (I’m just happy he’s giving it to the Red Sox), but if you like technical, you should peep his offerings for SBNation. Good stuff.
And the answer is… Lisa Dergan, the second of the 1998 Playmates on a rather impressive list of WAGs (compared to other sports… soccer and the NBA might be the only leagues that top it). Again, Google up all of those wives and you’ll enjoy.
And you’ll find tons of Lisa, all of it worth appreciating despite her annoying husband (I hate those midget-ass, scrappy white boys that “do all the little things”… but hey, it obviously works for him).
Spitting honest… it’s a cover. It’s ALWAYS a cover. The marriage, Madonna, Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz… all bullshit. Complete and total bullshit.
Why not add Snooki to the resume? You’re not going to have sex with her so the herpes aren’t a problem… folks in New York actually care about Snooki… you’re not going to top Minka and thus the battle to top Jeter can officially be laid to bed (not that it was ever a battle), so it might impress to take the road less traveled (well… not LESS traveled… pretty sure Snooki is as “traveled” as any girl in the mix… less traveled as in less guys would do it). It seems like a wise move for his next “relationship.”
It says a ton when a relationship with anyone from Jersey Shore would HELP your image.
The league hare really cracked down on this.. which is probably good. Back in Len’s day the chew was thrown at the team in boxes, laid out like a buffet before games. Do that these days and you get Brian the Bulldog Moore on your ass.
Those were the good ol’ days, when teeth weren’t whitened and white guys like Len could use activator.
I’m sure I’m missing some quality lip burners on that list… I don’t see too many players giving it the Dykstra effort these days, but those four guys come to mind.
And Lincecum is on this new sativa snuff… helps his focus.
(Answer me this… if you lined up Lincecum with his entire roster and said, “Pick out the weed smoker,” you’d miss him, right? The kid looks like the long-lost lovechild of Trent Reznor and Jack Skellington, and he weighs 85 pounds with a wet towel on. He’s never had munchies in his life.)
I used to own about 30 of these things.
And no, they aren’t worth shit today, just like all of those god damn cards my father collected with me. I have a suitcase full of the 1989 Fleers because he wanted the Bill Ripken “Fuck Face” card SO BAD… it was going to pay my way through college.
That worked out really well.
So… yeah, I can’t name a single player from the Pirates. Seriously, not cheating… sitting here… I think Oliver Perez MIGHT be on the Pirates. No clue if he’s any good or not. Its just a name I pull from my resin-soaked memory that I associate with the “new-school” Pirates… you know, the Pirates that can’t even fulfill duties as the Yankees’ farm club these days.
I’m going to look now… no Oliver Perez. Fuck. Lyle Overbay… Ryan Doumit…Paul Maholm… that’s it. I know those guys a bit, couldn’t tell you jack about the others.
It’s not right.
Again, I had my own opinion on this one (leaning Crawford, admitting bias) but I’m not qualified to make such judgements.
In order, I’d say Adam Dunn going to the White Sox is my favorite signing. He could hit 50 bombs in that ballyard. Zach Greinke to the Brewers is strong, giving Milwaukee two potential aces along with the addition of Marcum. Of course you have to mention Cliff Lee going back to Philly. They have the best top-4 in baseball. I’d note Crawford and Gonzalez as a package deal in review of Boston. They needed to recharge the offense and did so with two of the best available.
Sounds about right… and if it didn’t I wouldn’t argue because, like I said… I’m a dipshit when it comes to seam. That’s why I trust guys like Ray. I’d suggest you do the same.
Did we miss any hot baseball wives?
Yes… Brian Roberts (Diana, formerly known as Diana Chiafair)
And that’s that.
Thanks for stopping in.