Horrible Gifts for Baseball Fans
It’s the holiday season…whoopdy doo! We all have a baseball fan in our life who takes their team really seriously and wants that perfect gift to show their support. Be it the jersey of the new star player, that sexy hat to replace the one that’s worn down to the bone, or something else, every baseball fan usually asks for something for Christmas that would allow them to show their support for their team. While they’d usually be happy with anything you get them, there are some gifts that you should steer clear from…unless of course, you want to screw with their heads and see them cause a scene at the party.
Los Angeles Angels
This isn’t just a pin set. Oh no. Its a pin set commemorating the 2010 All-Star Game, the first one lost by the American League since 1996. The pins also feature Mickey Mouse, which was relevant to the Angels when Disney owned the team. Problem is, they haven’t run the team since 2003, when Arte Moreno bought the team. I’m surprised Mickey’s cap doesn’t have the hideous logo the Angels wore when Disney owned the team.
I don’t know what Astros fan would want to relive those graphics. The Astrodome, the abundance of orange, the rainbow uniforms…oh god, make it stop. My brain is bleeding just thinking about it. They’re not even cool in a retro way.
It’s been rumored for months (years?) on end that the A’s are desperately trying to move out of Oakland, and into the San Jose area. What better way to remind that A’s fan in your life that the team could be heading out of town by giving them a sign proclaiming that Oakland is home? Let’s be honest here though, can anyone fault the A’s for wanting to move?
Toronto Blue Jays
What better way to tell the Canadian friend in your life “you live in a cold country with piles of snow and moose everywhere” than to give them a child’s sled to play with? In all due fairness to the Jays, the website claims this can be used as a raft in the pool too. But there are no pools in Canada, the water is always frozen.
You’re paying $100 for a giant stencil and three cans of spray paint. I know the general stereotype is that Braves fans are stupid southerners, but I don’t think they’d even pay for this. Then again, I didn’t see it on many of the other teams’ sites.
Because Wisconites drink a lot of beer, you see. Plus, frosted glasses are hideous, and the old Brewers logo is stupid looking. To add insult to injury, don’t get them New Glarus beer…grab Red Dog instead. If your friend knows what’s best for himself, he’ll punch you in the mouth.
St. Louis Cardinals
Tony LaRussa loves himself scrappy, gritty players like David Eckstein, Brendan Ryan, and new toy Ryan Theriot. Now, the vanilla midgets can finally feel at home in the Cardinals clubhouse! Jon Jay not included.
This one is just throwing salt in the wounds. Every Cubs fan knows how long it’s been since they won a World Series. Why not rub it in a little more? Your friend will probably hurt you, and then prominently display the plaque because that’s how those self-loathing bastards roll.
It’s really hot in Arizona. I’m writing this article at night time in the middle of December, and the temperature is listed at 55 degrees. I’d kill for 55 degrees right now. So why in the name of all that is holy would you need a blanket with sleeves? Maybe it’s a way to distinguish the legal citizens from the illegal aliens. If you’re wearing a Diamondbacks snuggie, you’re a douchebag and will be deported.
Los Angeles Dodgers
Los Angeles gets, on average, about 15 inches or so of precipitation a year. That makes the need for a rain gauge a little silly, don’t you think? It would be considered a great weekend if the water got up to the half inch mark. Better use for this: really big shot glass.
San Francisco Giants
I don’t know what you’re going to do with a folding chair. They’re not comfortable. You can’t really display it anywhere. Its…a folding chair. Maybe if your friend is a professional wrestler who’s gimmick is that he’s an angry San Franciscan, this would work well. I can’t see any other scenario, though.
Because the Indians are always playing golf in October, you see? Hooray for mediocrity and not winning a World Championship since just after World War II!
They have Felix Hernandez and uh… Ichiro… and um… yeah, that’s about all worth watching on this team. When your big offseason move is bringing in Jack Cust, who is the prototypical “walk, strike out, homer” player that the A’s desire (and who the A’s unceremoniously dumped for the second year in a row), you’ve got some big problems. At least the Ken Griffey, Jr. retirement tour won’t be going on again this year. That ended really well for the Mariners.
The Marlins play by play announcer is this really annoying fellow who would always scream “HIS NAME IS DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN UGGLA” every time Uggla homered or did something relevant. Uggla got shipped out of town this November, and I’ve been beating that line to death every since. I should buy this for myself just out of sheer amusement. But seriously, if you know any Marlins fans, don’t buy them anything. Get them absurd Dolphins presents, because the Dolphins don’t blow up their team every three years.
New York Mets
Former GM Omar Minaya gave Perez a three year, $36 million deal during the 2008 offseason. Perez has won three games and walked more batters than he struck out during the first two years of the deal. Well done, Omar. I haven’t met a Mets fan who cheers for the guy, has a positive feeling about the guy, or just flat out enjoys watching him play. So this would be a really great way to kick your friend between the legs.
The team has been the door mat of the NL East since moving to Washington from Montreal. Despite signing Jayson Werth two weeks ago, the team traded away their second best player, Josh Willingham, on Thursday. Well done Washington, keep the drive towards mediocrity going!
When you’ve got an owner as cheap as Peter Angelos, you need to help out the team as much as you can. What better way than to save every bit of spare change you find, and be willing to donate it to the team so they can overpay another oft-injured closer?
San Diego Padres
I don’t exactly think of snow when I think of San Diego. But again, here we are. Do people who live in SoCal get all amped up about the weather traditions of Christmas, with snowmen and all that? I guess they do, because there is no reason that MLB would ever release something like this otherwise. Right?
Phillies fans aren’t the brightest bulbs on the porch. With their latest batch of success, fans are popping out of the woodwork everywhere and trying to prove their fandom, usually failing miserably. New fans should be forced to wear one of these lovely helmets, to show their intelligence level.
The huge move of the Pirates offseason was to sign Matt Diaz to a two year deal. Matt Diaz, the platoon outfielder. He’s a really nice guy, but if he’s the kind of guy you’re trying to energize your fanbase with…just put your head back down on that nice comfy pillow and take a nap. The Penguins start up in October.
Cliff Lee gave the Rangers a hell of a boost in the regular season once they acquired him from Seattle. He anchored the pitching staff and carried the Rangers to their first ever World Series. Then he choked big time in the World Series against the Giants and bolted for Philadelphia. Lee’s departure leaves the Rangers with CJ Wilson as their #1 starter, and a return to the playoffs looking pretty slim, especially with the great additions made by the A’s so far this winter. Don’t feel bad Rangers fans…at least you got there once during your lifetime!
Tampa Bay Rays
Every time I’ve been in the house of someone over the age of 70, they have one of these “beautiful” lamps on a desk or a table or somewhere prominently displayed. The only person who gets a pass in my book on that is my late grandfather, because he actually MADE them. Dude was a warrior. Anyway. The Rays are from Tampa, and a lot of old people live in Tampa. Get it? Unfortunately, MLB.com doesn’t sell Rays brand Metamucil or canes. What a shame.
Boston Red Sox
This gift combines two things that every Red Sox fan loves to flaunt in one convenient gift: their heritage, and their love of an insecure, second fiddle team! Not only does this sleek trash can have an Irish flag AND a shamrock on it, it’s got a Red Sox logo and has the team’s name on it! It would be perfect for a student’s dorm room, so that anyone coming over would know “this guy probably has a friend named Sully who he loves to drink Guinness with”. GO SAWX!
I put this on here for one reason: the absolutely terrifying image of the old RedLegs logo that’s featured on this throw. This thing looks like an even creepier version of Mr Met, which is saying something. Could you imagine falling asleep curled up in this, and waking up…to find that staring back at you?
Each team has one of these little Mickey Mouse figurines in honor of the 2010 All-Star Game, but the Rockies version is the most horrifying. I count six Rockies’ logos on this thing, plus, a headshot of their mascot, Dinger. This is like the evil, commercialized Mickey Mouse that purists have nightmares about. Remember those Turn Ahead the Clock futuristic jerseys teams wore for promotions 15 years ago? This is like that, times one hundred.
Kansas City Royals
It was too easy, I just had to do it. When you have an opportunity to sign one of the worst every day players in baseball, you’ve got to do it. Fear not Royals fans, Yuniesky Betancourt is no longer the worst player on your team! Just for good measure, KC added Melky Cabrera too. I shouldn’t be laughing at this though, as a Braves fan who had to watch a season of Cabrera and what felt like a lifetime of Francoeur. Thank god neither are my problem anymore.
I’m not a hunter. I’ve never shot a real gun in my life (which differentiates me from everyone in Detroit). I have no idea what the hell the point of this is. But it looks freaky as hell, and the fact that it’s intended for use in a forest, when Detroit is a concrete jungle where you could get shot if you walk down the wrong alley, amuses me. I wonder if you could put this up on a pillar under a bridge somewhere to confuse the homeless.
This mural measures 8′x12′. Why would you want to take up 96 square feet of a wall with a giant mural of the METRODOME? It’s not even a cool picture of the Metrodome, with a giant hole in the roof and snow falling everywhere and the field nearly getting smashed by the speakers. It’s the giant Hefty bag of doom in its baseball setup. Gee, just what I want to think of when I think of Twins baseball: a multipurpose stadium that had hockey style plastic fencing up in the outfield when they were winning World Championships! Perfect!
Chicago White Sox
I can’t imagine why anyone would want to buy this. Looking at the gold image of the actual brand, they have “Chicago White Sox” written correctly, which means it would brand backwards onto your victim giant hunk of meat. I wonder if Ozzie runs around with one of these when Quentin looks at him crosseyed. Gotta let the players know who’s boss!
New York Yankees
This isn’t just any crystal bat. This is a 34 inch long crystal bat. It’s also $9,500. Who in their right mind would buy this? A Yankees fan with more money than god, of course. Completely gauche in every way imaginable…but yet, I can imagine Freddy from the shore saving up his money from bouncing to buy one to put in his crib.