Fighting Styles That Will Probably Get Your Ass Kicked
There comes a time in every man’s life when he must cast off the childish garments of boyhood and put on the heavy mantle of manliness. Shortly after that, he has to kick the crap out of someone.
For those of us not raised by kung fu-fighting wolves, there is an important decision to make: should you go through life assuming you are capable of defending yourself in a fight, or should you pay some middle-aged mulletted white guy to teach you his own special brand of extremely flamboyant martial arts?
If we’re being honest here, we’d have to say that neither is actually ideal. The first option is likely to get your ass stomped flat if you’re not some sort of mutant crimefighter, and the second is like P.E., only it costs $60 a day and you don’t play kickball. Like, ever.
This isn’t to say that martial arts training is ineffective. There are whole generations of burly Brazilians who would think nothing of introducing your head to your ass in increasingly graceful and humiliating ways. MMA is one of the fastest-growing sports in the world right now and YouTube is crawling with videos of K-1 fighters kicking each other in the face.
What we’re saying is: there’s a right way to defend yourself, and there’s a wrong way. These are the wrong ways.
The old standby, the faithful companion. Karate. The name strikes fear in the hearts of villains everywhere. Bullies, however, are famously immune to anything remotely related to karate.
The basics tenets of karate are: you have limbs, so strike people with them. Congratulations, you are now a yellow belt.
In all fairness, karate does teach you how to defend yourself, albeit in a structured, practically inapplicable manner. The things you learn as a karate novice include how to awkwardly punch from the hip, awkwardly kick someone in the shin with your brittle toes extended, and elbow strikes.
You also learn, somewhat by accident, how to telegraph your attacks from so far away your adversary thinks he’s suddenly become telepathic. What it boils down to is this: the time you spend training in karate would be better spent just getting beaten up. That way, you know what an actual street fight looks like.
Useful Alternative : Judo. Seriously.
While it might not involve quite as many hi-ya!s or roundhouse kicks or bone splinters as karate, judo is infinitely more useful. In less than a week, you will have learned ten different, easy-to-perform throws and sweeps. And there is nothing–literally nothing–more emasculating to a tough guy than getting dumped on his knobby head a couple times by some bespectacled nerd half his size.
Before you all get your collective nunchucks in a bunch, we’re not trying to say ninjutsu is a weak martial art. There are thousands of crippled ex-Foot Clan to prove otherwise. Any martial art that teaches you how to ruin someone’s shit with a long stick is worthy of anyone’s respect.
That said, this copy-pasted list from Wikipedia should give an idea of what you’ll be looking forward to when you begin your quest to become a ninjutsu master:
- Seishin-teki kyōkō (spiritual refinement)
- Bōjutsu (stick and staff fighting)
- Shurikenjutsu (throwing shuriken)
- Sōjutsu (spear fighting)
- Naginatajutsu (naginata fighting)
- Kusarigamajutsu (kusarigama fighting)
- Kayakujutsu (pyrotechnics and explosives)
- Hensōjutsu (disguise and impersonation)
- Shinobi-iri (stealth and entering methods)
- Bajutsu (horsemanship)
- Sui-ren (water training)
- Bōryaku (tactics)
- Chōhō (espionage)
- Intonjutsu (escaping and concealment)
- Tenmon (meteorology)
- Chi-mon (geography)
- Taijutsu (Unarmed Combat)
- Kenjutsu (sword fighting)
Okay, we’ll grant that that’s a pretty serious skillset. If that list is any sort of clue, by the time you become an advanced ninjutsu martial artist you’ll be able to spear-fight an army of attackers from the back of your invisible exploding horse while using the stars to find your way to Burger King.
Of course, if you’re like us, the past twenty-odd years of your life have not actually been spent studying ninjutsu. Also, we rarely, if ever, find ourselves in a tense underwater situation with a horse and katana handy.
Useful Alternative : Stick Fighting.
Warning: Not all of your opponents will be pantsless two-year-olds
Granted, it sounds kind of stupid. And really, if you don’t already understand the basics of stick fighting, you should probably either hire a bodyguard or practice not smarting off to guys with missing teeth and large biceps.
But there are a lot of clever tricks you will pick up in stick fighting class that extend a little farther than “whack him in the nuts and run.” Cops, for example, don’t just naturally sense the best place to cram their nightstick into a difficult suspect; someone teaches them.
These lessons are distilled from a variety of historical fighting styles that, although they aren’t as badass as ninjutsu, are nonetheless incredibly effective and don’t require you to ride a disguised horse to church.
Daisy Dukes are the Gi of Capoeira
If you’ve never heard of this fighting style, don’t feel bad. It’s not really at the top of anyone’s must-learn skill list. Capoeira is a style that fuses elements of dance, gymnastics and head kicks into a fluid rhythmic art. Basically, it’s like break dancing for angry people.
In the 1993 film Only The Strong, an ex-Green Beret uses his capoeira skills to clean up the trash around his old high school. One of his former teachers decides it might be a good idea to teach this brutal technique to a bunch of juvenile delinquents as a means to get them on the right track. Since this is a movie, the students do not automatically use their newly-learned skills to cartwheel-headspin-crotch-kick their teachers and classmates into bloody ruin, and everything turns out okay in the end.
It’s certainly a fancy way to hand someone a steaming platter of their own ass, if you can manage it. Against other fighting styles, even against itself a lot of the time, it seems to stand up about as well as a wet dog turd in a knife fight.
Of course, there is the occasional exception.
Useful Alternative : Shit, we don’t know. Regular breakdancing, maybe? But with golf cleats?
Really, this fighting style is so impractical in any kind of real situation that we can’t even think of a reasonable alternative. The thing about getting mugged is that there’s rarely a conveniently placed cardboard mat around when you need one. And let’s face facts: doing headspins on bare concrete is probably worse for you than just handing over your wallet.
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I agree with you on stick fighting being more practical than ninjutsu. When being mugged, chances are there are a lot of things around that can be used as a weapon to whack your enemy.
I have to disagree with you quite strongly on the Karate example. It merely shows that most of your experience with the style is from dojos such as Black Belt USA or Karate USA. Search for the Japanese Peoples Defense Force and look at their training for how ACTUAL karate is trained and practiced.
(Yes you can find good Dojo’s here in the states. But it is hard unless you have the appropriate connections or a valid knowledge of the style already. Most black belts aren’t worth a damn in the USA anymore.)
This list is retarded. The current light heavyweight champion of the UFC, lyoto machida has a blackbelt in karate, and his fighting style is derived almost solely from it. important note- I don’t practice karate, just think it’s retarded you assume McDojos train actual karate.
Karate as useless look at one of the best mma fighters in the world…..Lyoto Machida style of fighting is Karate!!!!!!!!!
I am going to have to disagree with #1. Your description clearly shoes a lack of true understanding of Karate which may stem from not having any experience at all, having only very limited experience, or just having a really really crappy sensei.
Also, how could you possibly make a list of fighting styles that will get your ass kicked and not include taekwondo? Seriously, all taekwondo teaches is kick to the head.
I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss karate. First of all, karate is not a style on its own. Compare Shotokan with Ishinryu to get an idea of how varied the styles are.
More to the point, it’s the way karate is generally taught that often renders it worthless as a fighting style. Karate and TKD schools are often very tournament-oriented. Tournament fighters generally train with some pretty restrictive rules. For example, in many karate/TKD tournaments, a punch to the face is an illegal move.
Good luck winning a street fight if you’ve never trained to protect your face from jabs and hooks.
Being able to kick someone’s butt in a tournament is wonderful — and if you’re in tournament shape you still might be able to hold your own in a street fight despite the disadvantages. But in my humble opinion tournament karate is basically worthless as a practical means of self defense.
I agree with dave. I have been taking Shito-Ryu karate for 13 years now. I am sure there are plenty of people that could kick my ass, but i would sure give them a run for their money.
It seems a number of people are ahead of me on this. Karate is far from worthless. I have practiced Shotokan Karate for 6 years. Yes, I practice punching from the hip, so as to punch straight and with maximum power. Proper Karate trains you to use your body for effiecient, quick fighting. This is why its one of the best fighting styles to train in if you aren’t an 18 year old guy. And to whoevr wrote this: You don’t kick with your toes extended. You pull them back so you don’t break them. Nor do you kick people in the shins. Seriousy. You aim for the throat or solar plexis.
Going to totally agree with number one. The truth is unless you having been doing karate just shy of forever its a great way to get your ass handed to you. If you really want to learn how to defend yourself take 6 months of boxing. It’s simple yet effective and you’ll remember how to do 5 years down the line.
Boxing has the same problem as tournament TKD: dumb rules that won’t do you much good in the real world. You’re fine as long as the other guy doesn’t decide to kick you in the balls.
A skilled boxer is a formidable opponent, but has some serious weaknesses.
Thai or Laotian kickboxing are good choices to supplement western boxing, and some of the Chinese styles (Mantis boxing).
I agree with everything said here, to all that say “karate isnt that bad, everyone else sucks but MY KARATE IS REAL” needs to quite down, just because 1 school out of 10 produces good fighters doesnt mean the majority are belt factories, the only Karate style that is of value is Kyokushin karate because they frequently spar full contact and bareknuckle.
Any given judo school will produce an adequate judoka that can toss people around, because they frequently spar and do it with full force against each other with each side fully resisting the other and trying to dump them on their head.
And machida has cross trained in boxing, MT and BJJ as well, he isnt a pure karate kid.
Lyoto Machida….end of discussion…
retard…..
Have to point out to Dave that his understanding of TaeKwon-Do is as misguided as the creator of the articles understanding of true Karate. There are two main systems of TKD, WTF & ITF. In the USA you see mostly WTF, which is the Olympic style of TKD & is often taught badly in ‘McDojangs’ in the USA & predominantly uses leg technique. The original form of TKD founded by General Choi Hong Hi- ITF TKD – is 70% hand technique & 30% leg technique. We use the full range of body weapons; hands, feet, elbows, knees. It was originally a military art, & (like any art) is very effective when taught properly.
Congrats on a great article, people are starting to wake up to what really makes a decent fighting style.
Some Karate lineages are taught in a practicle manner and still offer great realistic training (Kyokushin and of course Macheda Stotokan).
Other styles that you could have mentioned:
1.Wing Chun
2.Aikido
3.Systema.
[...] Fighting Styles That Will Probably Get Your Ass Kicked There comes a time in every man’s life when he must cast off the childish garments of boyhood and put on the heavy mantle of manliness. Shortly after that, he has to kick the crap out of someone. Like Steve Jobs. (gunaxin) [...]
Interesting list, although often I think the effective vs ineffective category depends more on how the class is taught & who teaches it. I know very little about karate besides that every single local class around here teaches it to tournament standards. That’s just not useful in a defense situation.
I started taking Krav Maga classes when I was 14, after I had been forced to “take on the mantle of manhood”. That mantle was promptly stolen when a group of “bullies” got bored one day. I still remember the first thing I was ever told by my instructor “If you’re in a defense situation where you are actually scared for your safety, there’s one rule. If you have a weapon, use it. If you’re unarmed, get armed.” (He was referring to natural weapons around the area, such as large sticks, metal pole maybe, ect ect.)
I don’t know how I’d fare against an expert in karate/any other major defense technique, but I feel safe enough with it.
Okay, a couple of points:
1) Lyoto Machida is a karate black-belt. He does not, however, use anything remotely related to traditional karate in his MMA fights. That’s why it’s called “mixed martial arts”. Even the strict BJJ guys now have to learn other techniques to avoid having their shit ruined.
2)Judo is one of the most effective close-range self defense methods in the world outside of BJJ, krav maga or, I don’t know, having a sawed-off shotgun handy. It’s common sense + physics in motion. That’s why the Navy and SeeBees in WW2 were taught it. What’s more, unless the other guy knows how to defend against it, he’s basically helpless. Hip-tossing a dude onto the pavement is brutal, simple and totally effective, even if all you’re going to follow it with is to run squealing down the street like a girl.
3) This list was not meant to denigrate any of the martial arts it mentioned. Karate can be a very important asset if taught properly, but as a quick means of learning to defend one’s self it’s basically as effective as watching UFC.
Not every one is going to be like Loyoto, the article is still right in the fact that Judo is a better self defense art than Karate. There is no striking in Judo but you can learn that on your own. As long as you know how to drop some on on their head you got the fight won
I used to do open tournament fighting, and the karate guys would regularly be handed their asses in small brown paper bags and told to go home. It generally seemed they originated from belt factories masquerading as dojos. The real badasses generally practiced some form of ground fighting, which is often less complicated to learn, and very applicable to those of a less than impressive physique. I tried aikido, and liked it, but the real fun started when I moved to hapkido. It’s a bit like the Korean version of aikido (I’ll probably get slaughtered for saying that), but with a “Don’t bother me, or I’ll trounce you and eat your liver for a snack” attitude, a common trait among Korean founded schools. It probably has something to do with getting stomped by the Chinese and the Japanese while they were on the way kick the crap out of each other. I remember my first day in class, spending a lot of time upside down and airborne, at the hands of a woman that probably weighed half what I did. Don’t let your girlfriend learn it unless you’re planning on being a VERY respectful fellow.
Another reason karate sucks: everyone who likes karate has NO sense of humor. Go “HI-YA” yourself in the nuts, people.
Ninjutsu is one of the most brutal and effective fighting styles in the martial arts. The most honest portion of this article was, and I quote, “SHIT, WE DON’T KNOW!” That sums it up quite nicely. If you intend to write a “useful” guide to fighting, perhaps you should peel your flabby ass away from the internet for a few hours.
Replace Karate with Tae Kwon Do. The only way I actually learned how to defend myself while learning it was the weekend Kenpo classes.
The author is obviously a shut-in in his parent’s basement. I have an advanced degree black belt. I can assure this punk writer that I would render him unconscious before his head hit the floor if he and I were to square off for real. Fools like the writer get their karate “knowledge” from movies and tv. That is just the showmanship (non-lethal) part of karate. You encounter me in the street and get aggressive and it will be the last time you are able to think clearly.
Walt and Miyagi: It’s a humor article, fellas. Maybe you should stop spending so much time pretending to know martial arts and more time learning to read things before you comment on them. If you’re both so involved in karate, why are you on the internet wasting your time commenting on an article a lot of people understood and found funny?
And Walt, I would gladly square off with you as long as you agreed to sign a waiver allowing me to take video and write a humorous article about it. I promise I’ll use small words and let you sign your name in crayon.
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Capoeristas are tough as nails. If you’ve never seen them in a real fight, outside of the movies, best to keep quiet. There are a dozen styles that should have appeared higher on the list than this one.
The comments on this are even funnier than the article, which was really funny. “MY karateh is teh real one, and deadly!”. And all the arguments you make are ad hominem attacks against the author or Machida nutriding. Sigh. Just maybe you should go to a free-for-all martial art tournament and see if your karate/ninjutsu/capoera/wing chun/what-ever-mysterious-hidden-special-eastern-martial-art works against anything when going full speed. I’ll bet you get your ass handed to you. Try Bullshido Throwdown, they are happy to kick arses there.
Ninjas, LOL.
Clearly the author is ignorant and just wants to get attention by inflaming real martial artists? why? so we will discuss real martial arts on his page and he can finally learn something. I have studied all of the arts on this page, save Capoeira. It is true that most martial artists in America aren’t worth much. Most teach dance. When you learn these arts from someone who has been taught correctly, who can apply the techniques in a a dynamic, dangerous situation, you will find any of these arts are not like you expect.
Stop being an expert of movie martial arts. Go learn some.
Shawn Housler
Founder of Toeido
Hey, my “what-ever-mysterious-hidden-special-eastern-martial-art” can beat your “what-ever-mysterious-hidden-special-eastern-martial-art” any day of the week.
If your view of Karate has come from training in it, it seems your training at a very poor karate school and if it is throuigh other people thoughts, then you should know better.
Also, it takes a lot longer than a week to learn (effectively) ten different Judo throws. Many people are not able to perform ten techniques effectively after years of training.
You should really get your facts right before writing such an article or at least state that it is simply your own opinion.
Agree with most of this. We had a ninjitsu black belt come to our Judo class and, basically, he wasn’t very good and found it all a bit rough. Judo does take a while to learn, though, a long time for some techniques.
I don’t know why people consider MMA a realistic form of fighting. The last street fight I was in did not involve a large build up, a referee saying ‘go’ or being stripped to the waist. It did end up on the floor but I got up pretty quickly, figuring that the luxury of strangling my opponent wasn’t worth allowing his friends to kick a field goal with my head. I certainly didn’t writhe around for 5 minutes looking for a submission hold I was never going to get.
Karate, I think is more realistic, as is boxing. If you can deliver a really good single strike with your dominant hand you will put down 95 per cent of the people you will ever face in the street, particularly if you’re above about 190lb.
And if you don’t put him down – grow up and take your shoe-ing like a man. Getting beaten up can be good for the soul.
Some things about most street fights.
1 You will very rarely get a warning.
2 He will hit you with something if he gets the chance. Pool cue, glass, whatever, preferably from behind.
3 You must avoid getting close enough to get bitten. Failing that, bite first.
4 You will often have more than one opponent.
I don’t see anyone getting slashed or attacked by three people in MMA.
[...] styles that’ll get your ass kicked. I’m looking at you [...]
[...] styles that’ll get your ass kicked. I’m looking at you [...]
Ninjitsu = LOL
Go away ninjers.
All any style will provide is guidlines for an instrutor to teach by really! I train in kyokushin karate, yes we do practise knockdown rules for tournaments, but we also practise real life self-defence.. including many throws, knife attacks and we do punch to the face. Our sensei regularly takes us out of the dojo and out of our dogi to practice. That said, I have been to other dojos where they do not do the same. It’s all relative, its not what you train but how you train, and what is effective for you as a martial artist.
Personally I prefer standup fighting, throw a few good techniques then get the hell out of there… fight or flight instinct! How well can you defend youself when your rolling around on the ground trying to get someone into submission and their mate comes and kick the back of your head in! Most fights are initiated by someone who thinks they have an advantage over you… which is most likely to be that they have their mates to back them up.
Also, i think judo etc is very effective and have practised a little, however the context is very important. Its easy enough to throw someone on the mats in the dojo, but you throw someone in the street and they smash their head on the curb because they dont know how to breakfall then your in a whole lot of legal trouble.