Ten Ways Beer League Hockey Is Harder Than the NHL

By Ben Sumner (@benjaminsumner) on November 18th, 2010

Pictured: The Screaming Squirrels out of Laurel, Md.

Recently, a cartoon made on xtranormal.com poked fun at beer league hockey players and what they must go through to even get out of the house (video below).

Having spent the last decade playing beer league hockey, I’ve asked around and found ten reasons why it is harder than the NHL. You know, aside from the fact that you have to pay $600 instead of getting paid six million and you’re playing with guys who barely know how to play hockey.

1. Need permission from wife to not only sign up, but to play each game

The famous video:

2. Every other week, someone forgets to bring beer

And when they do bring it, it’s Beast.

3. Goalie doesn’t show up on time

You spend the first period with six on the ice as your opponents take potshots at the open net.

Or… when you find out that your goalie can’t make it, you run around the rink, waiting for other games to end to ask tired and sweaty goaltenders if they can sub right then and there.

4. Playing the entire game because no subs show up

Typically, skaters want more ice time. But when there aren’t even enough subs for a full line change, the legs get a bit… tired. So you’ve got to sacrifice some of your game to preserve energy. First on the list? Back-checking.

It could be worse though. You can be on a team with a guy who plays 3-4 minute shifts. His reason? He wasn’t yet tired.

5. Getting kicked out of the league for fighting

The professionals, aka our idols, fight, sit for five minutes, then leave and beat each other up again. We get in a fight? Suspensions and expulsions.

6. Worse ice

via Ted Starkey, NHL Fanhouse

Last year, the Verizon Center in D.C. made news because the Capitals and their opponents agreed that the ice was consistently terrible. Though measures were take to improve the conditions, beer league players would love to have ice that’s cut between periods and half as good as the Verizon Center on a bad day.

7. Forgetting your equipment

Of course we’re sometimes going to forget something. Look how much stuff we need (click to enlarge).

8. Pinnies

Got the same color jersey as the other team? Are you the visiting team? Then get ready to wear the unwashed, mold-stained league pinnies, still reeking from the previous fellas who wore them.

Another annoyance is when one team doesn’t have all the same color. It’s like a pick-up game. The guys in the gray or black or brown jersey against the guys in the white or yellow jerseys. There’s nothing like looking up to pass, only to have to think about who’s team you’re on. And for the love of God, get yourself a number.

9. No instant replay, only two refs

An NHL player scores but the refs don’t see it, the replay goes to Toronto. When it happens in beer league hockey, it’s cause for a temper tantrum and a trip to the penalty box for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Plus, the NHL has two refs and two linesmen. Beer leagues only staff two refs. So, it’s more likely that there will be missed calls in the beer league.

10. Locker rooms and staph infections

Beer league players routinely get staph infections in the dankest, most disgusting locker rooms ever, with phlegm wads and crap all over the place.

Bonus reasons

…Some of which don’t necessary make the sport harder than the NHL, but are annoying nonetheless.

1. Playing for all… two fans in the stands

Granted, the number of people in the stands shouldn’t have an affect on the game, and some NHL teams don’t exactly sell out themselves, but it’s kind of sad when the only audience you have are a few of the guys who are playing in the game after yours.

2. 10:30 p.m. weeknight games

Even worse – it’s difficult to sleep after games due to the adrenaline, which makes it difficult to wake up on time and get to work.

3. Having to leave the ice because the scorekeeper says you haven’t registered with Hockey USA

Bio
Twitter
Latest Posts

Ben Sumner

Contributor at Gunaxin Media LLC

I have an unhealthy obsession with Muppets, Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. I take out my frustrations on people on the hockey rink using traditional Korean martial arts. I'm prejudiced against hipsters.